here's a pic of me on my first day of nursery school! ailin and my aunt came to see me off. im the little cutesie on the extreme right, f.y.i. haha.

today is officially, as declared by me, day 1 of The Diet. i hope my current steely determination does not waver and fade.

stupid mom. she says she doesnt want to go to work because she's 'worried' about me. she's afraid ill go skip my lunches again. welllll i cant say for certain that i wont, but at this rate it doesnt matter ANYWAY because she's not going to work ANYWAY. crap.

eveyrtime i lie in bed, i think about what i can blog about the next day. it just comes naturally. haha. the curse of being an insomniac. and then i come up with snakingly long mental lists of all the stuff i wanted to blog about, but then stupidly enough, my very reliable and very trustworthy brain (not) manages to shove these thoughts to some forgotten crevice in the back of my uh, cerebrum by the time morning rolls around and i am clear-headed enough to remember my pre-sleep thoughts.

my friend, she-who-shall-not-and-need-not-be-named-for-obvious-reasons, told me in an sms that she felt moody and angry upon waking, for no apparent reason. and i told her thats EXACTLY how i felt only a few weeks ago! i wasnt talking to anyone in my family, i would go out with a face blacker than snow white's hair and would be silent the whole journey. i would look into every mirror and scowl in unconcealed disgust at the blob of blubber scowling back. i hated (still do) my reflection, my life and everyone in it, even though technically that would be unfair. and then suddenly one day i just...stopped feeling so terrible. i didnt get HAPPIER or anything, just not so forlorn and expressionless. maybe it was cuz the anti-depressants ran out. so i told her that it was probably a phase she would soon be free from. i believe that she's able to do that on her own, without the help of chemicals. unlike me, unfortunately.

i feel SO SO SO SO SO SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW. BLOOD-BOILINGLY FURIOUS. EAR-STEAMINGLY ENRAGED. FIST-SHAKINGLY FEROCIOUS WITH MADDENING FURY. because for the whole of today, and its already 9pm, I HAVE NOT CUT SO MUCH AS A SINGLE BUSINESS DEAL. i.e. constipation. no, it most certainly is not a pleasant feeling. and that is why right now, 3 hours after dinner, i still feel bloated and fucking fat. actually, i always feel fucking fat, but TODAY i feel ESPECIALLY fat because of my temporary inability to defacate.

im sorry if this grosses you out, but guess what? IT'S MY BLOG, SO I DONT GIVE A DAMN. my tummy feels really uncomfortable. i feel like punching the daylights out of it! or connecting it to the vacuum cleaner and sucking the hell out of it. oh god it feels so big and round. is this the start of a beer belly?! its full of fat. i need to lose weight. i need to lose weight. i need to lose weight.

last night was really cool. i went out with my cousin ailin :) we wanted to watch a movie but who knew all the shows at cathay and PS would suck, so we ate ya kun (no, not the man himself) and walked and talked. and dammit, we realised that cineleisure was showing freedom writers! the only show worth watching at the moment, in my opinion. what a waste. i was looking forward to eating sweet popcorn. but oh, to hell with popcorn! talking and shopping with ailin che che was way more enjoyable. the sad part was that my glorious brain forgot to bring the camera. otherwise we could have taken pictures, which would then be uploaded on this blog, which would then not look so wordy and uninviting.

weird dream number 2 happened last night. before going to bed, i was watching the "one more chance" dvd, the singapore movie directed by jack neo, starring the 3 usual suspects. 'san ge hao ren' in chinese. its about how they met in prison and what happened in their lives when they were released. anyway, i dreamt that i was playing cards with them! haha. because in the show, marcus chin played the chronic gambler. darn, i dont think the dream lasted long enough for me to win any money.

oh fish, mom drank my opened can of diet coke again!!! i deliberately opened the can and left it in the fridge to let the gas escape, because i swear upon my life, i DETEST carbobated drinks. i only like diet coke because its calorie-less yet not tasteless like water. NOW I GOTTA OPEN ANOTHER CAN AND WAIT FOR IT TO DE-GAS. i must buy post-it pads soon.

my clumsy fingers have so clumsily scratched my grotesque zit by mistake, which now is stinging from the pain. well SERVES YOU BLOODY RIGHT, YOU HORRID LITTLE (not literally) PIMPLE! NOW you'll know better than to grow on my forehead without my permission (as if you need ask).

as one can plainly infer, tonight i am a bitter, bitter girl.

great! the fridge has relented and decided to make ice again.

anyway. i have these stupidly bizarre dreams every night. like last night, i dreamt that my friend, XXXXXX had a twin brother and that he was my bf. haha. it wasnt a particularly nightmarish dream, not like the kind you wake up in a cold sweat panting or whatever. in fact, it was like chinese drama. somehow my parents found out and my mother was holding up this huge piece of cardboard intending to whack his brains out. and then i grabbed the cardboard and hit her! haha. it was really sweet. i remember liking him a lot. but why did it have to be XXXXXX's twin brother?! it isnt as if i know XXXXXX very well or anything. they didnt look anything like each other though. which was a relief. otherwise i dont think i would dare sleep again.

there was this time i woke up with tears in my eyes. now THAT was scary. it wasnt a scared-the-shit-out-of-me kind of dream. more like a you-hurt-me-more-than-anyone-could kind.

yayyy i found Law and Order at the esplanade library today! the FOURTEENTH season too. too bad it wasnt Law and Order special victims unit, my favourite series! even though its mostly about rape cases. haha. mom has a dinner with her pri school classmates, cuz uncle simon has to go back to LA. so you know, they had a kinda farewell dinner for him. they're always having dinners! anyway, im sick of going to dinners where everyone stuffs their faces so i went with dad to the esplanade lib to borrow dvds.

yes yes! got crime shows to watch this week. heheh. my mom is a sucker for crime shows too, so i msged her that i found law and order. we've watched most of the crime shows you can borrow at the library. haha.

anyway, she is SO darn petty. she takes offence to the slightest hint of rudeness coming from me! she's so bloody sensitive, worse than a mercury thermometer. i know why. she's JEALOUS. that my dad gets to have my company and she doesnt. haha. i talk better with my dad, i dont know why. maybe she's feeling neglected and unloved by me. haha.

oh kerrrap the fridge seems to be rebelling against us. i topped up the ice tray with water this afternoon and now, 6 whole hours later, the water hasnt frozen yet. something is very wrong. first thing tomorrow im taking it to the doctor's!

i feel shitty for 2 reasons.

1. i got a bloody headache now because i just HAD to read on the bus. dammit. it was the driver's fault. he shoulda stopped me.

2. i dont feel like going to australia. holidays should be taken once in a blue moon. that way, they wont lose their appeal. i just went to genting in..well, february and im going to aus in april. plus, i wish we were going with my favourite cousin and her family. she so very kindly helped me with my change of blogskin :D its not my fault i was born a suaku..OR IS IT???

god. if axe brand oil doesnt come into contact with my temples in 10 seconds, i swear ill puke. there isnt anything good on the telly tonight! supernatural sucks. tuesday's shows are totally hot. all that crime solving, ass kicking, men-in-police-uniform detetctive shows are my favourite! haha. i borrowed a sherlock holmes dvd from esplanade library. im a sucker for whodunits, arent you?

today was pretty cool. me and mummy dearest met up with aunty suzannah, her primary school chum, for lunch at new york new york at AMK hub. that place is a little antarctica on its own. and after lunch they just sat and talked and talked, like they always do when they meet. what can i say? AUNTYYYY. anyway, as they sat on their asses and yakked, i went for a little walkabout on my own. i went around the whole place TWICE, huge as it is. cuz they never called! when i went back to check that they hadnt vacated the premises and chucked me behind, surprise surprise, they were still yakking their hearts away. haha.

OH WOW! i feel better already. sad to say, its not due to axe brand, but gwei hua balm. haha. its the new love of my life! not that i had one for it to replace.

i wonder if that was zhiliang and his gf i saw today!! heehee. WAS IT, ZL? i doubt anyone reads my blog anymore :(

are these not cool toys? haha. toys r us is just so the place for me and people like me, people who dont grow up. oh oh and have u seen those little japanese mini food display item thingamajigs? they're utterly adorable! and u can buy display cabinets to put em in too. why oh why cant my parents strike lottery?

12.15pm: wakes up and is hit by the pungent stench of reality, afterwhich pops into the shower and then watches martha stewart (just gotta love the woman!)

1pm: has lunch reluctantly and feels decidedly full afterwards even though doesnt have unusually more (wonders if stomach may be shrinking)

1-2: watches sesame street and franny's feet

2(now): sits at the computer and considers course options fearfully and fickle mindedly as perspiration trickles down sides of face to accumulate in salty puddles on floor

what if i make a mistake? what i cant cope with the courseload? what if i cant make friends? what if it turns out to be nothing like i expected? THEN what do i do? but i cant very well wait till 11:59:59 on 31 march to decide. its all so scary, the thought of going to uni (if i can get in), the thought of having to forge new relationships with new faces all over again. familiarity is a comfortable feeling. it isnt that i dont like making new friends, because hell, i do, but its just..you know, worrying. and what if my miniscule brain cant handle the work???

im not really keen on science, but im sorta interested in food sci and tech. i want to be a nutritionist, or a dietician. but its so sciency and im not a science freak myself. business sounds interesting, but we've all heard stories about how the people there can be like. correct me if im wrong, and my apologies should i have offended anyone.

you know what i really want to do? mass comm, thats what. ive always longed to be a newsreader. haha. but dammit NUS doesnt have that and i dont want to go to NTU. just didnt have the FEW-LING. oh bloody hell they're both so far anyway.

im staying over at my cousin's house today! havent done this in SUCH a long time. well anyway, THIS is what real people in the real world look like in the morning before they've had breakfast, bathed or done anything except pry their sleepy eyes open. haha.

i'll blog more about my adventures in chai chee when i get back later. haha.

today's mood: 6.2 on the Depressed Scale, 10 being suicidal

Good God, the giant at tampines is humongous. rows and rows and aisles and aisles of you-name-its. i wanted to buy the sugar free jam but the damned queues were snaking around the whole store, so what the heck. sugar free jam shall bloody hell have to wait.

my mom wanted to buy more satay broad beans and assorted nuts. im like, DONT YOU DARE PUT THAT GARBAGE IN THE CART, MOTHER! HANDS OFF THE BAGS OF NUTS OR ELSE. because like a mother-of-all-pigs, ive been stuffing my damned face with nuts these past few days. the house could do with fewer sinful temptations. she bought fish crackers yesterday!!! the nerve.

anyway. im following my dad to sernagoon central to withdraw some sweet smelling $$$$$ and buy some bread. going for a walk to burn calories. burn, baby, burn!

my aunt and cousin gave me a digital camera! yayyyy. they're so cool. they're totally number 1 on my Favourite Relatives list. plus they gave me a chocolate cake too, which i have eating every night in case before it goes bad. haha. im not so depressed these days. on a scale of 1 to 10, im proud to say i have progressed from a pathetic 8.5 to an impressive 6.5. 2 whole notches! what gives? haha.

my mom just threw up cuz she felt giddy after coming out of NTUC fairprice Xtra. for about a nano fraction of a second, i felt a pang of jealousy. like, hey no fair, she gets to throw up and i dont. but that feeling has thankfully evanesced. i feel like the worst daughter on the planet. i dont think i show my parents my love, like i rightfully should. i read this email yesterday about how you should cherish the people you love while they're still around and all that, and i guess it sorta hit a nerve. from today, i shall proclaim my love to all my friends and family!!!

oh, and by the way, i STILL dont know what course i should fricking apply for. and *snorts* will they even WANT me???? i mean, face it, only about a goddamned TON of people have straight As in their pockets. what are MY grades compared to theirs?!

i've taken a liking to pureed fruit. i've been meaning to buy the baby food kind, but those arent exactly dirt cheap, considering they cost about 2 bucks a bottle. GOD what is WRONG with babies? how dare they eat such expensive food? you know, satay broad beans are incredibly nice too.

i wish i could study medicine, then i could become a plastic surgeon and lipo myself. ha bloody ha.

i really love my friends. they are the most awesome people. we went to sentosa on friday. and i know, i looked so down and unhappy for most of the trip and smiled only when they said something to me, so i hope they dont hate me for that. they gave me an elmo balloon which i carried proudly around =) its in my room now, by my bed. the helium is still intact. huilin said i could have it repumped for $2. haha. and then we ate at Hong Kong Kim Gary restaurant at vivocity. what good foresight we have! the food was fantastic. i think we all went bonkers over the amount of cheese available. heheh. you just gotta love cheeeese. i really love them for not blaming me for showing a black face if i did. plus they made a scrapbook for me! that is so cool. i nearly teared reading it. well its my birthday today. i dont feel particularly happy, but not particularly upset either. to my most pleasant surprise, i got 11 msgs from the angels who actually remembered =D maybe, on your birthday, life isnt so bad after all. hee. thank you once again for the beautiful gems who remembered my bday and cheering me up a notch =) we're going to meet my aunt and cousin now to have lunch. i wonder what mom and dad have for me. but really, presents and all dont matter anymore.

i know the PERFECT word that describes me. NUMB. and i know the perfect anthem which suits my life to a T. "NUMB". i had to follow mom to meet my granduncle, that is, her uncle at the stupid high tea coffee house shit thing at goodwood park hotel. where i ate some cakes. yes CAKES. from the DESSERT section. i mean so what if they were tiny little pieces? the fact is, I STILL ATE THEM. i HATE MYSELF. i hate that she had to pick some stupid high tea buffet place to meet granduncle. why couldnt she have suggested some ala carte place for gods sake? but the biggest culprit in the picture is of course myself. WHY DID I HAVE TO EAT FROM THE DESSERT SECTION??? WHY??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not that they had salad or anything. i was bent on eating that before entering. bloody shit i have committed a sin.

anyway. i can hear my mother crying on the phone. probably complaining to someone about her damn failure of a daughter. LOOK IM SORRY MOTHER. IM SORRY THAT I HATE MY LIFE AND MYSELF SO MUCH THAT ITS HURTING YOU TOO. IM SORRY I CANT BE THE PERSON THAT I WAS IN THE PAST. OKAY?????????????? im sorry, everyone. when will all this end? only when my life is over????

so my mom asked me what i wanted for my birthday. honestly, mother? now, you probably won't be able to afford it, but i want a full body liposuction gift voucher. yup, ill have every bit of fat lipo-ed from my bod. from my ballooning ass, middle, arms and ugly legs. i made this incredible fashion faux pas today wearing SHORTS. and thereby showing off my fat ugly legs. i stopped in front of every reflective surface to snarl and glare at my ugly reflection. my butt is definitely getting fatter. im not kidding. god i SO want a lipo. birthday present, okay? sharon asked if i wanted to go to the beach on friday or something. are you kidding me? me in beach gear? yes, the world is SO ready for that. all the fat jiggling in shorts and a tank. how can i possibly torment people like that? they might not recover from the trauma. i need to find a job. im going nuts slacking everyday, going out and seeing other people skinnier than me. I AM SUCH A PATHETIC LOSER.

oh god. when was the last time i actually felt happy? or even laughed? i am just so depressed these days. depressed and glum and introverted and reclusive and reserved. i dont talk much to my parents. when i go out, its them who do the talking while i just tag along silently. i dont feel like talking anymore. i used to like life! i used to like living. i dont anymore. f.y.i, this isnt entirely due to my stupid alevel grades. i wake up every morning feeling fat. i swear upon my life (not that i value it) that my ass is increasing in size. its getting fatter. i hate standing in front of the mirror because i hate the person staring (sulking, actually) back at me. how can i have gone from being cheery and sunshiney to the current pile-of-nothingness-from-grumpsville that i am right now in a matter of one year? i hate wearing sleeveless shirts because i hate seeing my fatass arms. same goes for shorts. i should just go out in a potato sack. and everytime i sit down, theres this ring of blubber around my stupid middle which i absolutely detest.

i feel like shit today. my results are like SHIT. 2 A 2B and B3. OKAY??? you can all gloat now. ive been crying the whole day. im getting stupider everyday.

Girl, soon to be 19, dies of excruciating sole ache caused by tottering about in heels for 9 hours. The tragedy which shocked the nation occurred just one day before the release of the GCE Alevel results.

thats right, the soles of my feet hurt like crazy! darn heels from bugis.

OH MY GOD.

today is the FIRST OF MARCH. tomorrow is the SECOND OF MARCH. in less than 24 hours, i will be holding the results slip in my trembling hands. what, oh what does fate have in store for me??? with each tick of the clock, my heart skips a beat. i cried before getting the olevel results. the atmosphere in the hall was unbearably tense. my tear glands just couldnt take the pressure. oh crap. i cant believe its TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!