back from genting! they're mental, Mother's friends are. for 4 days in a row we ate at chinese restaurants for dinner. those new year set dishes with loh hay and everything. like, HELLO! is 'moderation' a new, unheard-of concept around here? anyway i didnt get to go to KL because they spent half the day sitting aruond the coffee house table talking and yakking and catching up. they've known one another since primary 1, is that cool or what? and CRAP i couldnt go to the casino. i've never been to a casino! i actually thought the minimum age was 18, which is cool, because even though my height belies my true age, the passport does not lie. but SHIT i was mistaken! its bloody 21. but thats cool too, because it makes me feel young and of inadequate age as yet.

here's something i bet few of you have noticed. when you hurl french fries, they come out looking like mashed potatoes. and if you had happened to eat those fries with chilli sauce, then it comes out resembling Bloody Mashed Potatoes. cool huh? and the after-hurl tastes okay too. some after-hurls are so unpleasant, you just want to hurl again. but nooooooo, french fries are gooooood.

i have developed an unusual habit. i can't sleep without holding a remote in my hands. at home, the hi fi remote serves another purpose. at the hotel, it was the tv remote. well, it WAS the only remote in the room. haha. there's something strangely comforting and reassuring about fingering the poppy-out buttons on the remote. it somehow aids in slumber. my darn pillow is starting to look like a small valley. either my face is getting fatter or my brain is expanding.

holy moley i think that was aaron i saw in the esplanade!! i dunno, he's a dancer, and the esplanade seems an appropriate place for a dancer to be spotted in. we were coming out from the toilet (not the same one) and after he walked past, he turned back to look at me a second time. like, he did a double take. a sort of is-that-you? kind of way. i just stared back at him. i didnt recognise him at first. but if i really had to match the face to someone i know, it would be him. haha. he looks hot now! looks like someone's been working out over the years. i havent seen him for..5 years. oh my GOD. i wonder what it would have been like to go out with him back then. blame it on my shyness. but really, you couldnt blame me. i was young and stupid at sec 2. haha. i remember he kinda freaked me out a little cuz he kept calling me and stuff. called my house too. yes, like i said, i was stupid not to give my hp number instead. he was from st andrew's. i wonder where he is now. and bloody hell i lost his contact along with my phone!! shittery shoots. and he doesnt even come online. once, he had some trouble with his girlfriend cuz he came on too fast on her and she sorta backed away and they broke up. i remember him telling me that they werent just gf and bf, but LOVERS. haha. i will never forget that line. gosh i wonder if it was really him i saw! he looks real buff now. hee.

ugh. what a crappy day. everytime i look down, i start to feel dizzy. what is WRONG with me! its the first day of the new year. some guests have come. my appetite is small today. GOOD. so i wont overeat and stuff myself with rubbish cookies. good good. maybe what they say on the back of the bottle is actually true. that they suppress appetite. good good. may this keep up. i feel so fat today. i dont dare to weigh myself anymore. because if the scale even so much as touches 39 i swear im gonna blow my brains out with a..bazooka. see my pathetico life. my parents dont understand me. and i dont blame them. its not as if im dying to spill my guts and pour my heart out to them. like oh please, AS IF they're going to understand. as if ANYONE who's not going through the same ordeal is going to understand. HA HA. this is what i have turned my life into. a living hell. has anyone heard 'runaway love' by ludacris and mary j blige? --"forced to think that hell is a place called home". in my case, hell is an experience called life. sure, some of you are going to think, what is this girl doig, wallowing in self pity? there are lots more unfortunate people in this world who have no food to eat, no clothes to wear, no place to sleep. but here's a reality check. what constitutes pain is subjective.

she's sick of me. i just know she is. she's sick of listening to my damned sob stories all the time, she just doesnt reply anymore. she used to send words of comfort whenever i sent distress smses to her. now she just plains ignores it and only msges me if she wants to ask me something. FINE. like im so bloody desperate for her sympathy. she probably thinks its just another one of my 'episodes'. yet another 'relapse' and that ill get over it in time to come, so like, oh why bother? waste my sms only. yeah, thats alright, go ahead, dismiss it as Just Another Phase in Life. just you wait until something happens. and im half hoping something does. i was way pissed that day. anyway i feel like a bloody fatass again. make that all the time. and whats worse, its CNY period. that means more cookies. a.k.a. tubs and tubs of evil, fatfilled pastry. that means ill become even fatter. and this blog is just going to get more depressing. and the people who are still reading this will find themselves wasting their time. have you ever got to that point in your life where you feel like its not worth living? like, oh screw the traffic light. so what if the fricking van hits me? its not as if anyone's going to mourn. nobody's life is going to be disrupted due to the loss of one. you know? like, for gods sake, i dont even like my life. i hate everything about it. i hate everything about me. im just alive because nothing's killed me yet. gosh this is so morbid. no wonder i dont find supposedly gory movies gory anymore.

oh god im such a failure. i tried to get it out, honestly i did but i FAILED. i couldnt, maybe cuz there wasnt enough liquid. i succeeded yesterday, much to my delight and relief. but today's was more important because i had lots of lunch. i wanted to try a second time after drinking more water but then laziness got the better of me and then i thought oh screw it. shit. shit. shit. i ate 2 Thingamajigs at 12.05 and then mom delayed the lunch till like 12.45 so i decided to play it safe and ate 2 more at 12.40. it takes 15 mins to work, according to the back of the bottle. my blog gets more and more depressing huh? last time it was all, happy-happy-joy-joy-war-is-a-thing-of-the-past and now its like an entry out of The Vampire's Guide to Life. things have changed. this entry shouldnt even be in pink. pink is a happy colour. for the old me.

I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life. I feel so bloody godammned fricking fat every single day. At my skinniest, i used to be thinner than everyone else and now its the reverse. im a fat fricking fatso with a ball for a tummy and tree trunks for arms and legs, only thicker. I feel like a damned freak every day. Im getting fatter for gods sake. I shouldnt have succumbed to the temptation of food. I should have just stuck with my regime and then I wouldnt have gained weight. but NO i just had to start having supper every night. every bloody single night and i feel so fking fat after. I used to be so skinny. and now im a bloody fatass. im not saying i dont like fat people, dont get me wrong. i just dont want the fat to be on me. i want to go back to being the skinny little not-even-there wafer-thin fatless thing i used to be. it was only one month ago. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?