this is funny. a minute ago, my fingers would have flown across the keyboard, but now that i've come to the 'new entry' page, i feel at a lost for words. there's so much to say but it's all so hard to put into words. know what i mean. everyone thinks i've 'moved on'. but i dont think i have, completely. not a hundred percent. who am i kidding? not even 90 percent. a little known fact. not too long ago, i was thinking a lot about him, and us and like, what we used to do together, what he used to say, how we used to have fun..and how my hand used to fit into his..i dont know why, and i wish these things dont hit me suddenly like they do. i dont even know if ure reading this..but i guess it doesnt matter. the other night i was talking to him online and i just really felt, at that moment, that i missed him. i nearly told him. but thanks to the circumstances, refrained from committing such a folly. incidentally i just read your blog. incidentally i feel SAD when i think about us. incidentally, i didnt think you knew that. incidentally i feel a right twerp for saying all this. because really, what would it change? Nothing. note the capital N. its just that its pre-dinnertime now, i had time to go online and blog and after reading ur blog, i got SAD again. thats right. is that ALL im good for? was i put on this earth for the sole purpose of getting sad? incidentally, i was wondering how many more incidentallys im going to include. reminds me of miss chan. back to the issue. what told me so..who the hell said he was better than you. and who the hell said anything was going to develop. frankly i have no idea why im even writing this shit. okay, so its not shit. i only feel its shit because i feel shitty. so virtually everything around me is shit. i am surrounded by dung. immersed in manure. oh thats gross, im grossing myself out.

oh WOW. i found this little piece of foolscap, on which was scribbled, with preposterously ugly handwriting, my innermost thoughts, feelings and opinions of the kind of situations i was in at that time. i had a good laugh reading them all over again. of course, at the point when these emotions were pouring out of my little heart, i didnt think it was funny at all. apparently, i was confused (how cliched is that?!) over him1. actually, i was confused bout him2 as well. as for him3, i was beginning to hate him. hated his guts, hated his..everything. but im not now. its clear as day. there's really nothing which can bring about the amount of confusion equivalent to that 3 months ago. cuz according to what i wrote, him1 was starting to be nice to me again. civil, at least. none of that coldness. oh CRAP!! what am i writing?! i dont even feel like writing today!! haha justin can be so cute sometimes!! =p we were being all silly and stupid (me, anyway) last night. online, i mean. and he was the clank-a-lot tin man. heehee. he's fun.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside
cause I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No I don't cry on the outside
ANYMORE!.....Anymore

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

OH, the horror.

OH, the disappointment.

OH, the despair.

my mom thinks im some kinda weakling or something. she wont let me carry the groceries. she always says 'no, very heavy.' oh YEAH, like she's queen of the Amazons. like, okaaay so i dont get gold with honours for my freaking NAPFA or even a goddamned A for bloody IPU, but i highly doubt that i will be pinned under a tiny, hardly significant bag of groceries while attempting to lift it. you dont need bulging biceps and washboard abs to carry GROCERIES, for gods sake. oh, speaking of washboard abs, that reminds me! there's manhunt on wednesday i think. haha. im so gonna watch it =p hmmmmm.............................................
went out with him again yesterday. =) it was cool. due to my limited vocabulary, i dont wish to elaborate. heh. but it was RAINING. no, i did not share an umbrella with him, like what u see in the movies.it kinda stopped when i got there. heh. like, hellllllo? could the clouds have chosen a more inappropriate time to release their contents? i hate carrying an umbrella, but i couldnt very well have trudged unsheltered in the pouring rain, could i? well, i COULD. then i could tell him its cuz i swam there through the sewer. im always late! WHY am i always late? maybe it runs in the family, so i cant be blamed =D but NO. my mom's punctual. she's SUPER punctual. oh whatever. FASHIONABLY late has a nicer ring to it.

ow ow ow and double ow with a capital O, underlined and in bold.

yesterday, i woke up and my right ankle was swollen! in short, i

1. cant walk perfectly upright like a normal person

2. thus have to resort to limping/hobbling/crawling to make my way around

3. take about only a few thousand centuries to get from point A to B. regardless of the distance between A and B.

4. have an unproportionately larger right ankle. its so swollen it looks like an
elephant's foot. =( wellllll, i could be exaggerating.

5. may not be able to walk again!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! =( i hope not. oh my GOD, maybe the swollen ankle is a ..sign! to warn me of oncoming disasters! or MAYBE its a punishment!! for something terrible i did in my past life. i had a dream last night. i dreamt i saw calvin goh!! my primary 6 classmate, whom i have not had ANY contact with for the past 5 years. could it be a premonition??

6. may not be able to go out for the next two days =( i wanted to wear a skirt on friday, but seeing as my elephant foot will probably scare the daylights out of everyone, i may have to wear jeans. AGAIN. to conceal my hideous swollen ankle. why does something always have to crop up when im going out with him? hmmmm. point to ponder.

i just took a teeny peek down at my ankle and discovered that it has swollen a bit more. =( and oh my god, its bloody red. haha. bloody red. red like blood. whatever. not in the mood for puns. i think the veins/arteries there are super super dilated. perhaps my ankle is heating up and there is a pressing need to remove heat by radiation, lest it overheats and explodes, leaving me with a busted leg. haha. come to think of it..that may not necessarily be a crazy, absurd, ludicrous thought.

in case anyone was wondering, i still sound like a man. although not so manly. like, a girly man. haha. every morning, i wake up with a slight sliver of hope. hope that my voice will finally be restored to normality! and every morning (actually, only yesterday and today), i practise singing a scale! and if i cant even hit the fourth note, i know that its not ready yet, and so retreat back to my humdrum existence. =( weird but effective way of finding out whether ure still sore-throated. highly recommended!

is this some kind of sick joke?! first, i fall ill on the day im supposed to go out with him, THEN when i recover, i go to camp and get my throat busted, and NOW, to make things a zillion times worse, my ankle conveniently decides to bloat itself. (and blush too! its glowing crimson.) haha.

HAHA! i just went to check out bobby's blog, cuz well, ive never checked it out before. he signs off as 'bobby'. so funny! like, we've all become so used to calling him bobby =p hardly anyone calls him reuben anymore. well, if they did, im not one of them. haha. ooh winnie came online, and left as suddenly as he came. probably to answer the call of the honey bees. haha.

i SO do not have the slightest ounce of discipline in my body. i was reading my inequalities notes halfway and then suddenly BAM! an idea hits me. a loud, persuasive voice yells 'go paint your nails, you fool! you KNOW you want to!' and surprise surprise, i did. determinaton is not one of my strong points. haha..i thought they were getting kinda plain-looking you know, all nail and no colour. they had no LIFE!! SO it was up to ME, saviour of the nails, to inject colour, vigour and life into them! i painted em transparent silver. partly cuz its my only bottle of nail polish left besides the topcoat one, which is turning yellow, kinda like how plastic watches turn yellow when they're all naked and exposed to the harmful sun.

i am in loner mode today. i dont feel like msging anyone. which, i must say, is a first, cuz usually im a sucker for company. haha. one of the banes of being an only child. *shrugs* no biggie, comes with the job. haha. NOOOOO. at this juncture, i feel i must defend fellow single children. its not BORING all the time. you get used to it! right, weiling right? haha. ooooh. a dull ache has just crept into my tummy and chest! =( its hurrrrrrrting me. its like last night! i had to curl into a ball.

did i also mention that for some unfathomable reason, my spontaneity/impulse (DAMMIT, i dunno how to spell) levels today are exceptionally high. its all like, i wanna do that! okay, ill do that! yeah. DAMMIT will SOMEONE, ANYONE ,teach me to put pictures in my blog?! ill pay you a handsome sum if you do! haha. what a load of crap. i am the brokest of the broke.

TIME'S UP! gotta take my cough syrup! mmmmmm..deeeeelicious. *smacks lips*

=(

my voice is hoarse, husky, rough and low. in short, i sound like a MAN. and a sexy one at that! haha. but really, i still cant speak normally. hafta speak an octave lower and it SUCKS! celine called last night, but seeing as u can hardly make out what im trying frantically to express, i told mom to tell her to msg me. turns out she wanted to meet me so that she could photocopy the math notes. it was SUCH a bother!!!! shhhhhh, dont tell her. i mean, im not saying SHE'S the bother. i mean, the act of walking from home to the interchange to meet her is a tedious one. and she could hardly hear me on the phone! i was practically yelling my head off into the receiver and STILL all i got was a blur 'huh?' haha. that was REALLY piss-offing. i think her environment was too noisy. as i was saying, i went to the doctor today, and GUESS WHAT!! i have a THROAT INFECTION! whoa-hhohhhh. i've never had a throat infection before! apparently, some of my lymph nodes have swollen (to what extent??!!) and according to the doctor, my neck is sorta swollen too. !!! oh my god, really?? all afternoon, ive been feeling my neck and putting my fingers around it to measure its circumference. this sucks. i havent been comfortably audible for FOUR days. today marks the fifth. i hope nobody calls me while im in this state. celine made a huge mistake. she couldnt hear me, and i couldnt speak loud enough to be heard! heh. oh yeah! i now have TWO didis =D sebastian is my new didi. haha. oh but what the heck, i bet he has a zillion other jies. like avril! =p i just agreed cuz there's no harm in agreeing. anyway, i only really consider terence as my real didi =) see, loyalty at work. haha. incidentally, terence, doesnt like him. haha..dont tell him, avril..oh yeah, he asked me if i knew avril and xuemin =D isyraf, from pre u sem, calls me kiddo! =p so funny. i call him waiter, cuz he really looked like one in his MJC blazer! plus, his spiky(to a certain extent) hair.

WOW. just got back from the Zhonghua camp yesterday and i was whacked out for ELEVEN hours! slept at 2, woke at 1am, when all was dark and not a soul was in sight. haha. actually, i owe my disturbed sleep to mom, who woke me up for medicine. i have NO voice now. i was shouting the whole of the first day! like, leading my otherwise un-enthu group in cheers and everything. my group was 2N2 yellow! i was kinda skeptical bout taking 2N2 at first, cuz i presumed they would be more rebellious than the rest. it wasnt a misconception, but really, they could be darlings sometimes. =) they gave me seaweed, chewing gum and mentos.

the girls were especially nice. or maybe it was cuz i was nice to them (=p) so they couldnt find it in themselves to disrespect me. haha. the guys were okay too, but i was particularly PISSED during the blindfold game, cuz some guys didnt want to play and all, and it was a waste of time trying to get them to participate. wonder if i looked angry. oh well. i WAS. but i get over stuff.

ryan has this like, split personality. haha. sometimes, he's a really big help getting the group together, especially when i couldnt shout anymore. yet, he refuses to take part in the games sometimes, giving stupid excuses like how he's allergic to the freaking sun. PLUS he hurls vulgarities at the slightest things. i guess that goes for the rest of them. he's a good monitor, though. =)

my sec 3 facilitator partner, zainul, SO did not shout. his voice was perfectly fine throughout the entire camp. SO not helpful. and i shan't even MENTION the other sec 3 NCC facilitator. they were supposed to help me! but it felt as if i was doing everything on my own. but i didnt mind. =p although credit must be given to zainul, cuz i made him carry the game score card and cheer lyrics and other paper stuff. i dont like extra luggage =p

sebastian was fun and helpful. apparently, he's not exactly the model student. he told me mr eswaran once made him do 200 pushups and lotsa other physically demanding punishment stuff at one shot. i forgot what he did. and yesterday during breakfast, my pang asked to see dingyao. he came over to my table, asked who dingyao was, grabbed him by the collar, pushed him to the bench we were sitting on and snapped "why did you push ___!!!!!!!!" i forgot the victim's name. haha. then mr pang made him run to the G.O. in 5 seconds.

whats amusing was the number of people who came to our table asking what happened, after that. it was like a queue-up-to-get-the-juicy-details session. i got a very clear view of the incident, cuz i was sitting right beside him, and mr pang is not soft spoken. i remember dingyao splitting his chopsticks apart and was juuuust about to eat his noodles when he got well, collar-grabbed. WHOA. and ryan was like, 'bu yao kan, bu yao kan. mei you dong xi.' and told everyone to go back eating. haha. i think the whole table was in shock.

as i got to know, dingyao kicked a guy till his leg had to be bandaged. or maybe he kicked a guy when his leg was already in a bandage. i didnt get the facts right. haha. its kinda hard to think that these people could get up to such mischief, cuz the sides they displayed when i was with them definitely did not tally with the kind of behaviour they exhibited on other days. dingyao was helpful too. he helped open the drain flaps in the girls toilet, during area cleaning =p the other guys only decided to offer their services when miss loo walked by.

oh, one thing i found out during the camp is that sinyee and jia ling can be very fierce when they want to =p sebastian and grace told me, on different occasions, that 2N2 had no class spirit. damned right they dont. hahaha. my group, for instance. they only cheered when i told them to, or when i started a cheer. they needed to be led to do stuff. then again, they're only sec 2s. i didnt know sebastian was retained until he said so!

i dont really regret taking 2N2, cuz i got the inside stories of all the naughty stuff they did. haha. they snuck outta school twice, on both nights, and apparently, they had a 'feast' last night. they bought ice cream, sprite, spaghetti and lotsa stuff to bring to their bunk. they claimed they wanted to ask me along, but they couldnt find me. i was in the canteen! but anyway, at 430 i was asleep after playing bridge with huishan, pat and vinnie. haha. ooh, gotta go now. later, babes and dudes.

oh MAN. im just a sick, under the weather, diseased, unwell, poorly, ailing girl. i feel rotten, on the whole. like, my whole body is in severe, excruciating, unbearable and torturous pain. in my opinion, annyway. my neck aches, my shoulders ache, my arms ache. im like a walking, living specimen of the epitome of agony. dunno if ive got a fever..i lost my thermometer! although i doubt i would ever use it again. its been to places i wish i had never put it. i found it lying uncapped in my pencilcase once. imagine all that ink and lead and.. ughhhh. no amount of washing will ever cleanse it of all the slime, grime and filth its been swimming in. i mean, not that my pencilcase is filled with yucky stuff like that.

went out with josh yesterday =) i nearly msged him in the morning to cancel, cuz i doubted i was able to lug myself out of bed. but then after half an hours of sleep, i felt refreshed and ready to take on the day! thankfully. haha. i was kinda fine in the morning, but then the evening and especially the night, sucked. the train ride was virtually unendurable and insufferable. i had to stand all the way, cuz there werent any seats. i swear, i could vaguely hear a bone in my leg snapping. indicating what little time i had left on earth.

i hardly had dinner. well, i did, if you consider 5 mouthfuls of gravy beehoon a scrumptious and filling meal. the act of lifting my arm and instructing my hand to pick the spoon, to load it with beehoon and then transporting all its contents into my mouth, was just too strenuous a task. i think i slept at..830. my face feels warm now. im having a phlegmy cough, which is SO the worst thing in the world to have, considering there's the ZHSS sec 2 camp tml, for which we have to be present at 6 bloody 15 am. that's crazily early.

i hope im better tml! liek, fully recovered. now my chest hurts too. i wonder if its cuz of the expired sweet i ate yesterday. yes, unbeknownst to me, i have, the night before, consumed a strepsil which had been expired for about 10 months. i dont know whats going to become of me, sadly. i cant even tell if ive got food poisoning or whatever. theres camp tomorrow!!! i MUST study chem tonight. an added responsibilty. what could be more perfect?

Almost heaven
Nanyang crescent
up on the hill
gathered at NTU
new engagements
and opportunities!
younger than the mountains
blowing like a breeze!

country roaaaaad
take me home
to the plaaaace
where i beloooooong
pre u sem, mountain mama
take me hoooome, country roaaaad

all my memories gather around here
PRE U SEMINAR, ideas come together
bright and sunny, painted in the sky
misty taste of moonshine
teardrop in my eye

*****

tonight we remember
the times that we spent here
the joy and the laughter that we shared
tonight we cherish
the moments spent together
because its the only time we have

look at us
and see our smiles
this is where
we all belong
ill remember the times we shared together
until, my last december

*****

oh my goodness. im suffering from pre u sem withdrawal syndrom. gruop 14, to be precise. i started singing country road in the bathroom while bathing! i can still remember how everyone was reluctant to sing at first, cuz we all thought it was a stupid thing to do. but then, gradually, everyone kinda got hooked on it, and we were singing everywhere we went =) i remember shouvik's grossly out of tune Countrty Road. i love the jumping part! in FACT, i sang the first verse, recorded it and sent it to fiona =p haha. she asked me why i didnt ding the chorus. sorry, dear, i didnt want to risk faltering at the high note part. haha. oh GOD. i miss having meals with them, doing mass dance with them, and not to mention the late night meetings after showering. i am immersed in nostalgia! i miss singing country road, and doing all those seemingly silly yet endorphin-releasing cheers. i love cheering. haha. when i first came online, i was bombarded by all my new contacts =p see, everyone wants me in their contact list! *laughs triumphantly* i miss the camp. =(

oh my GOD. pre u seminar camp is the most AWESOME, ENJOYABLE, INSIGHTFUL, EMOTIONAL and VALUABLE experience i have ever had. i am so proud to be a part of it. when i first saw the name list, i was wondering if they were all gonna be arrogant, stuck up, bitchy people. but im SO glad they aren't. it was with fear that i first opened my room door with trembling fingers, wary and uncertain of what the (near) future held. i mean, i REALLY wanted my roommate to be a nice, friendly girl. not intimidatingly cold and distant. i guess wishes do come true =) angel is the best roomie on the planet. she's from SR and she is like a model roommate. haha. she's friendly and silly and SO not stuck up. we clicked great from the very beginning =D which i suppose we SHOULD, considering we would be sleeping in the same room =p dont want to get drugged or chloroform-ed in my sleep. haha.

gosh, so many amazing things have happened, i just dont know where to start! EVERY SINGLE DAY ROCKED!!! well, i thought wednesday sucked, cuz there were 2 panel discussions and 3 parallel presentations, and all that had to take place with blazers on. anyway, we sorta slept late on tuesday because somebody had this bright idea to have a ghost story telling session. i have to admit that i do NOT have the guts for such activities. so like, me and eunice bunked together in her and jana's room on the same SMALL bed and for that, i had to leave angel in our room alone. she claimed she would be fine. she's so not scared! she didnt even cry on the last night! when buckets were being filled with tears.

on the third night, we called in to carrie chong!!! charles called, and he passed the phone to kaiqi. haha. so shy =p (yeah right!) and kaiqi said apple was hot and sexy on air!! apple is kinda like the emcee guy. he's really good! gets the group all enthusiastic and high. we had to make a kite to fly on thursday, and thanks to amanda, our kite got second prize!! it was the prettiest kite!! and in MY opinion, nicer than the first prize one =p haha, but thats a biased view. from a very unreliable source. it was jonny's group. i really liked flying kite! although i needed help getting the thing in the air in the first place. i like feeling the tension in the string, the tug of the kite empowered by the wind. what was frustrating was how the thing kept getting entangled with other kites! and there was once where our SUPERIOR kite twined round 3 little kites! so like, we were indirectly the cause of the 'conflict' with the kite owners. haha. well, what can i say? our phoenix kite was merely exhibiting its superiority and majesty, asserting its well deserved power!! =D go phoenix!

i got sunburnt while flying kites! as usual. went back looking like an exceedingly embarrassed cooked lobster. amanda said i was positively roasting. haha. which brings me to my next point =p the people there talk superbly well. i mean, they all spoke so fluently and their english rocked and stuff. i hope, through our interaction during the last 5 days, that my english has improved? haha.

last night was very depressing and nostalgic. for the last part. come to think of it, it was kinda weird! initially, they got everyone all hyped up and high and cheering, and there was mass dance and all, but then, the solemnity of the ending part of Seminar Night really overshadowed everything else that happened earlier. it was REALLY touching what some of the SLOs went through just to make the camp a success..apple cried on stage..can u imagine? we sat in a circle with this ball of rafia string. someone would start we were supposed to throw the ball to someone we wanted to thank or 'seek forgiveness' from, as chitra put it. haha. so in the end, everyone would be interconnected with that same ball of string, which projected an accurate portrayal of how closely we had bonded over the short period of 5 days.

i really liked the part where apple asked, 'how many groups are there in this hall?' and everyone shouted 'ONE!' we were divided into 27 groups, but ultimately, we all belonged to one pre u sem group. =) and its comforting to know that everyone realised that. it was true, how everyone put aside their differences and got together to be the best camp cohort i have witnessed thus far. our spirit and enthusiasm were the main ingredients for the fun that we had.

last night was like this mass crying session. even raf cried..shedding his mr cool image for a split second. =) raf looks like a waiter! all smart and prep school. haha. he started calling me Kiddo today =) so cute. he said i looked like a kid. or something. then after we'd all dried our tears and held the remaining ones back, we met up after showering =D joshua gave this lesson on bridge playing =p it was like bridge tuition. i never understood how to bid before =p sorry, winnie, im not implying that ure a bad teacher. haha. it was cool, i think i was on a lucky streak!! me and my partner kept winning! woohoo =D but THEN josh wanted to go at 3!! hmmph. so like, we all retired. he was so funny. angel asked him if he had bathed, and he was like, oh shit i havent!! and i THINK he would have gone to bathe a second time if he hadnt remembered that he already did! haha. hes nice, but i only got to really know him like, yesterday and today. he's funny, in a cute way. =p

today before leaving we all did the last group 14 cheers. man, we totally rocked. its a nice feeling, this unity which held everyone together. like the rafia string. =) and everyone went around hugging everyone else in the group. gender differences were not of importance, as we are mature youths. haha. really, i mean, if u asked us to hug one another in like, sec 2, i think it would have been awkward. but i guess we've realised that its actually SO not a big deal anymore. i didnt really like to hug people, but today was exceptional. hugged everyone, except for pp who already went off!! =p

i thoroughly enjoyed the camp, not to mention all that insighful minister talk. met tharman today. we wanted to do like this tharman cheer! haha. the THARMAAAN..THARMAN (clap clap) THARMAAAAAN..THARMAN (clap clap) haha. but it would have been inappropriate. =p i, for one, enjoyed the pre u sem camp. i am SO glad i didnt quit it last time. i would never have got the chance to make such lovely new friends and to interact with so many people from ALL THE JCS IN SINGAPORE!! ALL HAIL PRE U SEM!!! WOO!! i love you, group 14. ure the best group in the world. =)